Never Ordinary

 

I grew up in a family that hid me in the shadows.  I don't know if anyone reading this is a Harry Potter fan, but my life was very similar.  The only differences are, I slept in a hallway not a closet, and I didn't get my letter to Hogwarts.  Yes I'm a christian that reads Harry Potter.  God can use anything to speak to somebody.  No I never did try casting spells, that is called witchcraft and I don't do that.  I was mid- teens when I started reading them.  I was commanded to stay in my room most of the time, so I became a bookworm.  I loved Harry Potter because I could escape to this magical world where this little boy made a huge difference as he grew up and eventually defeated the ultimate evil force.  Harry was extraordinary and I wanted to be extraordinary too.

I was constantly told, and overheard my mother call me the problem child.  I was always doing something wrong even though she kept a short leash on me.  It didn't matter what I did, it was never enough to gain her affection.  I didn't understand what was so wrong with me that I just couldn't be loved.  Ironically we went to church 3 times a week.  So I heard about God and accepted Him in my heart.  I only did that because I didn't want the other option of going to this horrifying place called hell.  I remember talking to God a lot when I was a child.  I would cry to Him, I would beg Him to take me from this horrible place.  I heard about Heaven and I wanted to go there where there was no pain.

At such a young age, I knew and believed God was there and every night at bedtime since I was 6 years old I had prayed that God would rescue me.  When I was 6,
my mother told me that being adopted means nobody wants you.  I think at that point I did separate myself from my family.  I didn't mind being in my room by myself.  I was really good at being invisible.  The older I got the more lonely I felt and depression started to kick in.  I would watch my mother bubble over talking about my beautiful twin sisters to her friends.  I wished that someone would talk about me that way.

School was my paradise.  It was somewhere I could be myself, be silly, be outspoken, make friends, and just have fun.  It was my safe haven.  I remember being scared to death of parent teacher conferences.  I remember one instance that my 6th grade teacher told my mother what a fresh ray of sunshine I was to have in the classroom.  My mother gave me a glaring look and I knew I was in trouble.  She was good at faking a smile and laugh.  Cleaning up these so called messes I made at being myself outside of her reach.

These are just snippets of how the devil can use anyone to make you feel less of a human, unordinary.  From the time I can remember, the devil pressed down on me squeezing the life out of me the best he could.  He needed to suppress this beautiful and amazing little girl.  Why was he afraid of a little girl?  He wasn't afraid of a little girl, he was afraid of who she would become.  He was afraid that she would find out just how amazing, and how loved she really was.

Fast forward to now, I'm 32 years old.  This year God started to pull the scales off my eyes and start working on healing my heart.  He showed me who He truly is.  He is an all encompassing love that our brains can't even comprehend.  He is our protector and defender.  He cannot live without us, His family.  The family that I always dreamed of.  My heart has finally found it's home.  He showed me this year through an extraordinary friend that He brought to me, that I am His unconquered warrior.

When I heard that, I broke down sobbing.  I didn't understand why He would say that.  What do you mean unconquered?  I have messed up so bad in my life and made so many mistakes.  I've committed adultery!  I've lied, I just didn't understand.  I felt defeated many many many times.  I felt I failed many many many times.  I said God how can you say that about me?  He said no matter what life threw at me, I overcame it.  Even though there were times that we didn't walk hand in hand, I clung to Him.

Friends, I'm telling you right now.  The things we've been taught about God are NOT true!  So much of the teachings from churches and schools are just not true.  You have not failed!  If you get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, you haven't failed.  Yes we all make bad choices, but that doesn't make you a bad person.  God loves you no matter what.  NO MATTER WHAT.  What was the purpose of Jesus dying on the cross if God was going to judge us?  In God's eyes we are the perfect, stainless, children He created.  Don't run FROM God, run TO God.  He is searching for you to come to Him.  He searches day and night looking for you.  All you have to do is run into His arms and let Him love you.  

You are not invisible.  You are not ordinary.  To God you are everything!  You are extraordinary...

Ashes to Roses

 Here We Go

I have written blogs before, but this one is different.  One day I was sitting with God and the name 'ashes to roses' came to mind.  I immediately knew it was for a blog.  I said, really God?  I'm not good at keeping up on blogs.  I'm very good at expressing myself though.  I'm a very transparent person.  I think that's one thing we could all use right now, transparency.  The world is in bad shape and nobody seems to want to tell us what's going on.  Well everyone except the prophets.  They know what's up.  I'm not sure what God wants to use this blog for, but I suppose we'll find out.

I have known God all my life, but nothing like I have this year.  He awakened me to what is going on in the world.  He opened my Bible and uncovered the mysteries.  I have such a new and different understanding of the Word now.  I can go a lot into that, but I will leave that up to Him on the when.  What I do know is that God loves us so much.  He wants to make things right again.  The world we've been living in is not right.  We have been slaves.  We were born into slavery.  There's a lot I can say on that topic as well.  I will get into many things as God leads me to.

Ashes to roses, I thought about why He picked that name for me.  I have a very good guess.  I was born to a druggie mother who tried to kill me.  Then I was adopted into a family where my mother abused me.  I was raped at 16.  I rebelled after that and had lots of boyfriends who didn't treat me right.  I got married at 20 and had my first child at 22.  I had lots of affairs because I didn't know what love was.  My husband never left me, which is incredible.  He is a saint.  Had my second son at 26.  I had a few more affairs because I still didn't know what love was.  At 29 I had a miscarriage.  That was one of the worst times in our life.  From 29-30 I was groomed and almost trafficked by a pastor.  I was able to get out of that with God's help in January 2019.  That's when I had my partial hysterectomy.  The miscarriage induced endometriosis and it was up to stage 4.

I can totally see how I've gone from ashes to roses.  The whole year of 2019 I think I laid around for most of it.  I never had a chance to grieve the loss of our baby since that pastor swooped in.  I was grieving losing my church family that I loved so much.  I was depressed and hurt over what happened at the church.  I was grieving the fact that I would never be able to be pregnant again.  I gained a lot of weight and started binge eating.  I didn't know how to cope.  I was so overwhelmed.  You should be able to trust pastors.  I went to him for counseling.  I never thought that would happen.  I sure made mistakes and I admit my part, but I didn't realize until after I was out, that he was grooming me.  He turned me against my own family.  Come to find out there was another girl at another church he had done this to.  I don't believe he has his license anymore.  God always deals with sin, and the truth always comes out no matter what.  I know that from experience.

I am so far from perfect and the devil did a great job at keeping me on rough paths.  You know what though, I always cried out to God.  I knew He was there.  I knew He loved me.  I knew He was the only one that could help.  In some of my darkest moments, He was there.  When they wheeled me down the hall to remove our baby, He was holding my hand and I felt it.  Even as a child, when I would go to bed crying because my mother didn't respond when I said I love you, He was there singing over me.  In my affairs, He always caused conviction.  When I cried out to Him to save me from that pastor, He made an exit for me.  I left Him many times and ran off on my own, but He was always there calling out to me and searching for me to bring me back home.

If I could tell you all one thing today that I hope would comfort you, I would tell you to stop what you're doing.  Just stop.  Stop moving, stop reading, stop listening, and ask God right now "do I know You?  Do I know You like You know me?"  He has taken me on a journey this year that is unbelievable.  I've learned about His love for us, all the reasons Jesus came down and died for us, I learned about His system of government which is seed, time, and harvest, He has shown me things in His Word that I never even thought of or read before, He showed me how a big chunk of the Bible is about the end times, and so much more.  He totally unlocked my understanding to His Word.  I pray the same for you.  I pray that God unlocks your minds and hearts to see who He truly is and what He has prepared for you in these times.

With all this said, I can't wait to dive deeper into my life and the world in the coming days.  I hope that I can be a beacon of hope to whoever reads this.  Know that I'm praying for you and I love you like God loves you.