I was constantly told, and overheard my mother call me the problem child. I was always doing something wrong even though she kept a short leash on me. It didn't matter what I did, it was never enough to gain her affection. I didn't understand what was so wrong with me that I just couldn't be loved. Ironically we went to church 3 times a week. So I heard about God and accepted Him in my heart. I only did that because I didn't want the other option of going to this horrifying place called hell. I remember talking to God a lot when I was a child. I would cry to Him, I would beg Him to take me from this horrible place. I heard about Heaven and I wanted to go there where there was no pain.
At such a young age, I knew and believed God was there and every night at bedtime since I was 6 years old I had prayed that God would rescue me. When I was 6,
my mother told me that being adopted means nobody wants you. I think at that point I did separate myself from my family. I didn't mind being in my room by myself. I was really good at being invisible. The older I got the more lonely I felt and depression started to kick in. I would watch my mother bubble over talking about my beautiful twin sisters to her friends. I wished that someone would talk about me that way.
School was my paradise. It was somewhere I could be myself, be silly, be outspoken, make friends, and just have fun. It was my safe haven. I remember being scared to death of parent teacher conferences. I remember one instance that my 6th grade teacher told my mother what a fresh ray of sunshine I was to have in the classroom. My mother gave me a glaring look and I knew I was in trouble. She was good at faking a smile and laugh. Cleaning up these so called messes I made at being myself outside of her reach.
These are just snippets of how the devil can use anyone to make you feel less of a human, unordinary. From the time I can remember, the devil pressed down on me squeezing the life out of me the best he could. He needed to suppress this beautiful and amazing little girl. Why was he afraid of a little girl? He wasn't afraid of a little girl, he was afraid of who she would become. He was afraid that she would find out just how amazing, and how loved she really was.
Fast forward to now, I'm 32 years old. This year God started to pull the scales off my eyes and start working on healing my heart. He showed me who He truly is. He is an all encompassing love that our brains can't even comprehend. He is our protector and defender. He cannot live without us, His family. The family that I always dreamed of. My heart has finally found it's home. He showed me this year through an extraordinary friend that He brought to me, that I am His unconquered warrior.
When I heard that, I broke down sobbing. I didn't understand why He would say that. What do you mean unconquered? I have messed up so bad in my life and made so many mistakes. I've committed adultery! I've lied, I just didn't understand. I felt defeated many many many times. I felt I failed many many many times. I said God how can you say that about me? He said no matter what life threw at me, I overcame it. Even though there were times that we didn't walk hand in hand, I clung to Him.
Friends, I'm telling you right now. The things we've been taught about God are NOT true! So much of the teachings from churches and schools are just not true. You have not failed! If you get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, you haven't failed. Yes we all make bad choices, but that doesn't make you a bad person. God loves you no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. What was the purpose of Jesus dying on the cross if God was going to judge us? In God's eyes we are the perfect, stainless, children He created. Don't run FROM God, run TO God. He is searching for you to come to Him. He searches day and night looking for you. All you have to do is run into His arms and let Him love you.
You are not invisible. You are not ordinary. To God you are everything! You are extraordinary...
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